I am trying my hand at another avenue this week and
that is restaurant analysis. Now I know that many of you are thinking,
“Matt, you know less about food than you do movies!” And
granted I wouldn’t know a le fromage blanc from flocons de maïs,
but be that as it may, I still have a wonderful idea that may revolutionize
our dining experience. Or at least mine. Many cities and states have
done away with the smoking sections of our favorite eateries, right?
This is the greatest idea since they installed stadium seating in
movie theaters. I have never smoked so I it always amazed me how the
smoke knew what section to stay in. And no offense to my smoking friends
but, can you really not wait to get to the car before setting one
a blaze? Will the food somehow not settle unless followed immediately
by a billowy gust of smoke? But I digress, I didn’t really want
to talk about that issue at all. What I am thinking is far more significant.
What I am proposing is that we now substitute Smoking or Non-smoking
with.. are you ready? Freezing or non-freezing. It’s brilliant.
I don’t know how many times my wife and I have tried to eat
our food with our teeth chattering like one of those wind-up monkey
toys while scraping the ice off the top of our hot sauce and,,,,,,
well you get the picture. Many times I wish I was in the smoking section
so I could set the table next to me on fire and get some heat circulating.
My wife actually got up Saturday night and asked them if they could
turn off the air conditioner. And our thanks to the management for
actualizing obliging her request. But we still pondered the question
as to why they had the air conditioner on in the first place when
it was 42 degrees outside? Are there that many hot people in this
world? Are we the only ones that have this problem? I have met a few
other “cold” people who, like us, always feel as if the
rest of the world is soaking up all the heat somehow. And I have heard
the lame excuse of, “well you can put on enough close to get
warm but you can’t take off enough to get cool.” This
usually is stated by someone who has a resting body temperature of
102 degrees. I am singling out restaurants because this is supposed
to be an entertainment article. But many department stores are just
as bad. I can’t imagine how many things we would have bought
if we could have lasted in a store more than 5 minutes without our
blood freezing. Luckily we have noticed that movie theaters are pretty
good about keeping the room at a nice temp. Maybe it’s all the
closeness of warm bodies but lately I haven’t had to bundle
up to watch a flick. I am sure many of you “other” people
think that theaters are as hot as pizza ovens and you come out feeling
like une tarte flambée. Well all this talk of food has made
me hungry. I’m not sure what establishment Nelly wrote his hit
song about, but I wonder if they serve lunch. I would love to for
once be able to proclaim loudly, as I woof down a grilled chicken
sandwich, “It’s getting hot in herre!” With my first
and hopefully last restaurant critique, I’m Matt Mungle.